Plus, what to do if you think are. (Photo: Shutterstock)
The
Great Gatsby’s Tom Buchanan, Jay Gatsby, and Daisy. Carrie Bradshaw,
Big, and Aidan (still not sure who to root for in that one). Tons of
books and movies feature love triangles for a reason (besides just the
drama): Lots of people can relate to having feelings for two different
people at the same time. But is it actually possible to love two people
at once—or are the tortured souls who think they do just kidding
themselves?
The
answer is a resounding yup, says Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., clinical
psychologist and a professor of psychology at UCLA. “We assume love
comes in one flavor, but it’s really much more Baskin Robbins than
that.” In other words, chocolate chip mint and strawberry are different,
but they’re both damn good. If only love were as easy as ice cream.
“We
are complex and complicated beings, and it’s very possible that two
different traits in two different people can both appeal to us,” says
Durvasula. As you grow and develop as an individual, you might find
yourself drawn to people who complement different aspects of who you
are.
“Attraction
is a very biological experience,” says Durvasula. You may be in an
established relationship and meet someone at work who WHAM! makes your
hormones crazy. Or you might be casually dating and find that two
different people you’ve been seeing for a while both appeal to you.
That
overwhelming, whirlwind feeling people tend to describe as being “in
love” is biologically synonymous with a surge in dopamine levels, says
Durvasula. (Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that’s connected to your
brain’s reward and pleasure centers—so a spike can cause you to feel
like you’re experiencing a natural high.) Even days later, just thinking
about a great kiss can cause dopamine to release in your brain, and
before you know it, you’re falling big time. So while being monogamous
or in a committed relationship is a conscious, logical choice, that
loopy rush of hormones (and who makes you feel the ensuing effects of
them) is entirely physical—and out of your control.
There’s
also a particular circumstance under which you’re more likely to fall
for multiple people: when you’re most in love with yourself.
“When
you’re going through a positive transition—anything from an exciting
new job to a physical transformation—and are feeling happy with
yourself, you’re more open to new experiences and new people,” says
Durvasula. The more you embrace who you are, the more likely you are to
explore and celebrate other people for who they are. So the more you
fall in love with yourself, the more you fall in love with others, she
says.
Feeling torn between two people can be confusing and emotionally exhausting—but it can also be fun.
Continuing
to explore both love interests might be a valid option if all of the
people involved are on the same page, says Durvasula. “Polyamorous and
open relationships are gaining a lot of traction, but you need to be
transparent about it.” Interested in exploring something like this?
These rules for open relationships can guide you through the conversations and boundaries involved.
Granted,
not everyone is up for an untraditional relationship setup, says
Durvasula. If you want to commit to one person—or one of the people you
love wants you to—that’s perectly fine, too. But how do you do it?
“As
awful as it sounds, make a pros and cons list,” suggests Durvasula. And
be brutally honest with yourself when writing it. Something helpful to
keep in mind when you’re reviewing your list: “We get caught up in the
passion and rush of feeling in love, but companionate love wins in the
end.“ Think of it this way: Who is going to be 100 percent fine with
throwing out your snotty tissues for you when you’re sick? Who would you
still enjoy when you’re 90 years old and the flame of lust and passion
has died down?
If
you need to, take a break from both relationships. “Take a trip,” says
Durvasula. “Do whatever you need to do to step back and remove yourself
from the situation.” Getting a little space can help provide you with
some perspective.
Unfortunately,
you can’t. There’s no mathematical formula for choosing who to make a
commitment to. And the reality is that both individuals might be great,
and both individuals might make solid partners, says Durvasula. But even
if you’re split right down the middle, you’ll often have that gut
feeling that’ll give one person even just a slight advantage. Follow
that intuition, says Durvasula. Is a little buyer’s remorse or “what-if”
wondering normal? Totally. But when you do come to a decision, try to
stick to it. When you choose a partner to pursue, cut your focus from
the other and really give this new relationship its best shot at
success. Celebrate the aspects of this individual that led you to choose
them over someone else.
“The
best thing you can do in this situation is to take the time to
cultivate and love yourself,” says Durvasula. It’ll help you to be more
aware of the characteristics in a partner that matter most to you and
ultimately will make your decision a little easier.
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